When Adoption Isn't Perfect

This post is so difficult to write. I usually am a sobbing mess when I have to deal with this subject and I'm sure by the end of this post I will be. Here's a question that all of us as adoptive families have to face.

What If My Adopted Child/Children Aren't Treated Equally By Family??? (GULP)

Well, we are experiencing that very subject right now. It has been going on for years and I cannot see it ever resolving itself. I hate to say that and trust me, I pray that I am wrong but how can you change the mind of someone else??? You can't!

Here is our story. When we adopted Lelah, she was 5 yrs old and was being disrupted from an international adoption. She came to us a very scared and angry, little girl and I'm sure VERY CONFUSED!!! Life with her was not easy and we made many mistakes being that this was our first adoption and we had NO CLUE about attachment issues.

We had decided that grandparents could watch her, as she was improving in her behavior. Bad mistake!! She decided to start in with her tantrums and not listening, which pushed grandma over the edge and labeled her "a bad kid"!!

It's been 5 years now and she is still the "bad kid"! She has made tremendous improvement but of course has her moments but nothing like it used to be. But grandma has decided to just not bond with her and just ingnore her. As you can imagine this has been a HUGE ordeal for us as we will defend her til our dying day. But it just goes on. For instance, grandma will have all grand kids stay over, but not her! Grandma will give love and attention to all grand kids, but not her!

Can you even imagine what Lelah must be feeling??? I cannot! I cannot even wrap my mind around the unfairness, the hurt, the jealousy, the feeling of not being loved! I just can't! I have cried, and screamed at grandma for this, I have told her she accepts Lelah or she sees NO GRANDKIDS!! But still nothing! What does one do in this situation?? Cut all ties? It would be easy to say yes, but what about the others kids?? They have a realtionship with grandma. How do I sever that realtionship? That isn't fair to them. I am just at a loss for words or wisdom.

Most of all I am just so hurt, and angry! How could a grown woman just treat a 10 yr old girl like this?? Just my honest opinion is that grandma is a coward!! She doesn't want to even try to get to know Lelah. She doesn't want to have to set boundaries and try to see the good in my daughter. Nope! Grandma just wants to label her"bad" and be done with it (told you this was honest)! I have screamed the words "Your other grand kids(not mine) do wrong things and yet you accept them"!!! Her response "Well, They Are Blood"!!!! AHHHHH! It comes out!

I'm sure you are wondering about Alex and Arlyn? Well, they came to us as babies and so well, babies are ok, and more loveable! RIGHT!!! NO!!! That is WRONG!!! But that's what I have come to conclusion! I am puting this out there so people know that adoption is not easy and accepting. It's a struggle, if not in this way there are many other ways. All I can do is pray about this situation and hope that one day grandma will know what she has done to this poor child.

It has been a hard day around here as yet again grandma strikes! Feelings are hurt and mom and dad will come to the rescue.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.....

Your water hose is not long enough and you "rig" it up to fill up the "FAMILY POOL"!!
Enjoy!!!

Or...Your wife risks life and limb, climbing into a dumptser to get this!!! Just to plant flowers in!!!!

Yep! Another day in the Mehring house! Aren't you envious?!

Today Was A Nice Day

Today was one of those days that you think, "UGH! Today is gonna STINK" and the reason for such a reaction is, that my husbands uncle is passing away and I'm afraid very soon. He has been ill for awhile but now, the nursing home staff feels like this is his final days. So, it's been an emotional day for my husband.

But.. as the day passed, Jamie(dear hubby), started telling me stories of his uncle and just remembering the good times and fond memories. I could tell that this was helping him cope and it also opened up a conversation about God and our family.

Jamie and I are united in our beliefs but up until this point, we differ in our desire for a church home. Jamie grew up in the Lutheran church and as you know, I, just a few years ago, became confirmed in the Lutheran faith as well.

He has never wanted to veer from what he "knows as normal" church practice and routine. I on the other hand, have found a comfort in a non-denomonational church. We are both fine with what we like and it's never been a problem. But today as we talked, he did express an interest in "trying" out my church!!! I am thrilled!!! I have longed for him to express an interest! But I know that he has to want it, not me! So when he is ready, and I pray that is soon, I will introduce him to my church.

Today also brought about a conversation between us about some big events coming soon in our family. Although, we are scared, we know that God is leading us through this and will deliver us on the other side. HE will give us the grace and strength that we will need to take on this special blessing. We must trust in HIM and that HE knows best! It was funny though, I guess I am the one that usually sits and "DWELLS" on everything and I really don't feel that Jamie does. So I thought!!! He has brought up this "event" more today that I ever thought he would! I guess I shouldn't assume, should I! LOL

So as I close, I'm asking for prayers for Monday. Monday will be the beginning of our big event and it will pretty much direct us in the path that God has chosen for us. Either way that this path leads us will be great, but if you have a minute a prayer would be appreciated. As we see our path unveil on Monday, I will fill you all in a bit more.

My AH HA Moment!

Well, I have made it back to Ohio and survived my Ky trip and my crazy family (just kidding dear family) hehe! I am so blessed to have my amazing husband and my mother in law, that took over for me, so that I could go see family that is sick with cancer. I can honestly say that this trip was more than just a typical trip.

This trip was one of a reflection on my life, a glimpse of where my hopes and dreams for myself and my family lie, and the most important lesson of this trip was that you need to cherish those special moments that you have with your loved ones. Even when those moments are brief, they mean so much later on. I am witnessing a man that has always been a "larger than life" character, a man that you would just never think of as weak or feable, just fade away to cancer. Don't get me wrong, he is still "here" and his mind is sharp but his body is so thin and frail. You are just never prepared to actually see someone you love, just seem "normal and dying" if that makes sense. For me my uncle was just going to live forever, in my eyes.

I also was able to spend time with my great aunt whom also has cancer and is at "end stage". She has declined so fast, since she was here in Ohio with her sister, (my other great aunt who died in May). Trust me, her spirit is still here but her body is falling fast.

Which brings me to my BIG AH HA MOMENT! Now, I say this because this hit me at about 3a.m. in the morning, this morning! I was thinking of my uncle and my great aunt and God just kind of tapped me on the head, Like: DUH LEEANN!!!! DON'T YOU GET IT! THEIR SPIRIT LIVES ON!!!!!!

AH HA!!!!! Yes, their spirit lives on. Just because their "earthly" body gives out, their spirit is strong and everlasting. Now, I have to back up and tell you the story which led to my AH HA moment. My uncle has a cancerous tumor growing around his esophagus and has blocked his esophagus so that he cannot eat or drink. So he has a feeding tube for now until the radiation begins and starts to shrink the tumor. Well, as many of us would feel, he is missing food terribly. The taste and the sensation of eating and drinking. As you can imagine Ensure going into you stomach via tube feeds, is not that satisfying. He is allowed to "swish" a drink around in his mouth but he is supposed to spit it out in fear of aspiration. So the other day he swished Gatorade around in his mouth and then just kept quiet. So when asked "Where did your mouthful of Gatorade go"?? He just grinned and pointed to his tube and said "See that red in there"!! Yep! He swallowed it! What a stinker! But pretty typical for him! See, his spirit is STRONG!

As for my great aunt, All I have to say is......If a seventy something woman with end stage lung cancer can eat pickled pigs feet for breakfast, then her spirit and stomach are STRONG!!!!!

I am not kidding! This woman in one day ate raw lettuce and onions out of the garden, fried hot dogs for breakfast, chicken wings, and many other items that I cannot recall, then the next morning ate pickled pigs feet for breakfast! What a character!

So in the middle of the night and at 36 years of age, I get it! Our earthly body dies and our spirit strengthens and lives on. I have never really thought as much about death and our spiritual birth as I have in recent years. It all started to really make me think and question when my uncle "Buster" died, he was my mom's first sibling to die about 11 years ago. The family has never been the same since and now my uncle Albert, my mom's second sibling is dying and I know this will hit our family hard as well.

I took a picture of my mom and her brothers and sisters, this trip as they were all there and that NEVER happens as they are scattered. Originally there were 9 but my uncle Buster has passed , I will name them for you.

(on swing) Uncle Albert, Uncle Rick, Aunt Doreen, Aunt Kathy

(in back) Aunt Lisa, Aunt Maxine, Aunt Margie, and my mom (Denise) on the end, right.

This is some of his nieces,

(on swing) Uncle Albert, (my sister) Lisa, Cousin Lori, Myself

(in back) Cousin Autumn, and Cousin Amy

Don't Miss Me

I am leaving tomorrow for Kentucky as I have 2 loved ones ill with cancer. One is a great aunt whom I have just begun to get to know and one is an uncle who has been in my life since I was born. My great aunt is at "end stage" lung cancer and pretty weak. My uncle has esophageal cancer and although not "end stage" he is very weak as well and I'm not sure how his radiation will affect him.

I am blessed with my wonderful husband and my mother in law, as they take over "mommy duty" for me for the next week. I cannot even begin to thank them and show them the appreciation that I feel for giving me this chance to go be with my family that I barely get to see.

I think that as you get older and wiser! LOL That you come to appreciate your "elder family members". You really understand what it means to spend as much time as you can with them, especially as some of them begin to pass away. I am VERY guilty of "puting off" visits and just not thinking how valuable this time is with loved ones. It does really go by so quickly.

Even though family is so hard to love sometimes, they are still family! Right! So I will be gone for about a week and probably won't have much internet time down there. I'm sure though, when I return, I will have much to share!

Negative Feelings

Today has been a day of just very negtive feelings for me. I tend to be a tough cookie most days but not today. It started with a family member just strolling past me about 3 times as I was sitting with Arlyn out in public. I don't really talk to this family member but many times have they just ingnored me. Also my friends request on Facebook, which I ONLY requested to be polite. But, that's besides the point, the point is it angered me, not even a quick "HI" as they walked past.

Then next event is the most frustrating, hurtful one. I have 2 family members with cancer, one at end stage, and one that is just not doing well. I have the opporitunity to go help out with their care, as my wounderful husband and his mom urged me to go and they will "take over" mommy duties. But unfortunately, I have family that for some reason, I don't think they want me to go. It hurts my feelings so deeply. All I want to do is help with whatever they need done, but people just want to stand in my way. To me, it's cowardly! I am torn between anger and hurt. I don't like it!

I just don't understand at this time of great need in our family how people can be such cowards and judgemental! I know I just need to get on my knees and pray for everyone involved but it's a hard task to do with my feelings lingering. I will pray though for many family members need God's hand for many different reasons.

I just have to say that I know that I am truely blessed with a wonderful husband, my precious children, and "some" family members that truely understand. They don not know how much I appreciate them.

The Frustrations Of The Chase!

I don't know how many people read my blog truely understand the sheer grit and determination it takes to be an adoptive family. It is not for the weak, that's for sure. If you are not overwhelmed with the many options of adoption (international, private, foster/adopt, independent) you will certainly buckle at the sight of the mounds of paperwork and leg work!

Then on top of all of that, try switching agencies, from the one that you just adopted from to the one that would best suite your needs for the future. Not all agencies are created equal and the CERTAINLY are not created with the same rules, ethics, and requirements!!! What worked at one agency may very well not work for another and they my make you jump thru even more hoops just for the fun of it! (cue sarcasm)

This is what is happening to us at the moment. It is time for our update to be done on our homestudy and we left one agency to become a family for another. So we thought! After a week of myself and my previous agency faxing, calling, and aquiring new paperwork and records. They had the nerve to say "Sorry, We Can't Help You"!!!

Now this is frustrating for sure, but we are on a deadline as we have an expiration date. Also paperwork has to be done, out of MY CONTROL!!! Which is the part that KILLS ME!!! I need that control! But I know that HE is in control and just laughing away at me at this point! LOL

See, we have many hurdles to jump and many people to impress. Not just in the beginning, but for an entire 6 months after that baby is placed in our arms! You are never really comfortable and you never really can let your guard down until that judge says the words "He/She is Finalized" and signs that long awaited Decree! THEN YOU CAN BREATHE!!!!

Why would anyone in their right mind want to ever do this??? Answer to people that really are no better than you! Jump thru physicals, a zillion questions, fire inspections, fingerprints, financial scrutiny, vaccinations on pets, temperment on pets, safety inspections on your home, hours of training, lots of $$$$$ for it all, and I'm sure the list goes on!!! WHY would you want to subject yourself to that???

HERE'S WHY







When you see YOUR CHILD, all of the grief, pain, and stress, melts away and you would do it 10 million times over just to bring your babies home! That's what it's like to be an adoptive family!

Lets Talk About God And My Stubborn Streak!

So as you can tell by my posts that I beleive and put my faith in God. That hasn't always been so.... I have always been a believer, don't get me wrong but puting my faith in Him, well, not always. That's a tough thing to do, trust in someone that you cannot see. I still struggle with this, I am a control freak!!! I admit it, a control FREAK!

I grew up going to church, some of the time and like every other kid, it was boring! Listening to a preacher yammer on about things that I had no clue of. But my family did not attend regularly so it was never a big deal in our house. I also went to bible school with friends along the way but never really paid attention. So religion was just never a priority.

As I met my husband and we became close, I knew his family was Lutheran and attended church every week. That was no problem, right?! Well, it became a problem when everyone just assumed that I would become Lutheran and just fall into place and attend church. Also when our oldest daughter was born it became a problem, as everyone thought we would baptise our daughter into the Lutheran faith. It was just an implied idea. But not for me!! I needed to have a say, I needed to voice my opinion and I surely did!

As you can imagine this topic came up often and caused many stressful moments in our marriage. But after awhile the dust settled and it just became a nonissue. A nonissue because we didn't attend church. We did however enroll our daughter, Kierstyn in preschool at my husbands church and our daughter Lelah as well. I really liked their private program and my girls learned alot about God. So I did soften up a bit.

Time marched on and we adopted Alex, still no change for me on the religion front. I have told the story of the turmoil and tragedy that came with Alex's adoption, so I don't need to write that novel again. But with all of that, came an inner voice. A voice that just kept telling me that "things will be alright", "Alex is your son and you love him". Oh, how I wrapped myself up in those words and I longed to hear that voice. But still all of that doubt pushes its way in and caves in those moments of security. You constantly doubt everything that you find solid and concrete. You doubt every kind and securing word. You doubt every effort that anyone makes in your favor. Doubt just overwhelmes you and those voices turn to screams, and anger and DOUBT!

After we came thru the other side of this terrible nightmare and everything settles and life goes on, you think of those wonderful voices that tried to tell you to obey and have faith, that everything would be ok. You feel that you have let those voices down because you allowed the doubt to glean thru. But what do you gain??? You gain the strenght, the passion, the determination and the LOVE OF OUR GOD! You see how God is right there with you. How He will hold onto you and never let you fall.

That single nightmare that I lived for many months, single handedly restored my faith, my love for our God! I know that we would not have made it thru those aweful days without him right by our side. I also have a very adorable, precious baby girl to thank for my confimation into the Lutheran faith. No, not Arlyn!!! A girl names "Z"! For this baby girl was to be our baby girl BUT....The agency that had custody required that Both adoptive parents be of a christian faith. So, I had to be confirmed! Yes I started out for the wrong reason, just to please an agency but I ended up with a desire to learn more!!! Bless our Pastor, for I have not one clue about ANYTHING Bible related!!! I asked many questions and he just kept on answering! I love that man! Although we let Miss "Z" go to another family for many reasons, she has changed my life forever!

I was confirmed at the age of 34 and we also baptised Kaden, Alex and Lelah that day. Oh yea, Kierstyn was baptized the day after her 1st birthday due to a family tragedy that took my cousins 1 year old. All I could think of is, "If I lose Kierstyn as a baby, I want her protected and in God's Grace" so I did baptise her!

Now, I attend a nondenomonational church that I love, and I am trying and wanting to learn more about God, the Bible and about myself. I have really surprised myself in the last few years. I would have NEVER guessed that I, LeeAnn Mehring, would be a member of a church and actually look forward to going!!! I NEVER would have thought that I would be praying daily and relying on a God that I cannot see to lead me thru my lifes struggles and joys. Now, look bach at my posts so far nad see how many times I say "NEVER". This is why my blog has its title. Just Never Say Never!

God Is Just Good!

Today started out well, I do believe! Like I have said, we have has tummy viruses and now sinus/allery stuff going on! It's been a realy treat for the Mehring clan this week! NOT!!!

First off, my son Alex turned 4 today! Yes, our little 4 lb. 5oz bundle of joy is now a 42 lb, 4 year old!!! How in the world does that happen???? So we were having a praty for him today and lots to do beforehand!

Arlyn hd her Occupational Therapy Eval this a.m. and then her and I wer hitting Wal-Mart for some last minute party items, or so I thought! As we were in the middle of her eval, the therapist said" Arlyn sounds really raspy and with her "wet" cough and labored breathing, she may have pneumonia"!!! WHAT??? So I call her dr. and they are full, so I take her to the E.R.

YEP! Pneumonia! But she is eating ok and her pulse ox was good so she is being treated with antibiotics. THANK YOU GOD!!!! So on tho Wally Worl we went!

We had our party and all went well. But i did get an important call during the party! HMMMMM! What kind of call, you ask?? Well, the kind of call that tells you that God is speaking and it doesn't matter how hard you try to ignore him, He won't let you!!!!

I will share more later, it's a little too early yet. Nut know that if I hadn't gone to Arlyn's eval appt today, I never would have thought to look for pneumonia. If I wouldn't have taken that call during Alex's party today, I would have missed out on a very important message that God wanted me to hear! It was more in the "tone" of the voice that comforted me than the "facts"!!

So God is Good! He knows how to ochestrate many lessons in one day, than we give him credit for! Enjoy the Birthday Boy Pics!

No More Virus!!!! Please!

Sorry that it has been so long since my last post. It started off with my computer getting a nasty virus! It's still being repaired!

Then my poor Miss Arlyn came down with a nasty virus and gave us all quite a scare! Let's put it this way we were in the hospital ruling out a bowel obstruction. It has been a miserable few days for her.

So as soon as I can get my computer back, I will post more!